Do you always need to be right?

Take a moment and reflect on your relationships. Ask yourself, "How much does the 'I'm right, you're wrong' dynamic play out in my everyday interactions?"

Most everyone is tested with this dynamic every day ¬in face-to-face interactions, in phone conversations and in emails. Perhaps we're not aware of it at the time, but the majority of us seem consistently feel the need to be right; not only to be right, but to prove the other person wrong.

Our ego is the culprit here. It wants to feel strong and secure. So, whenever we have the sense we may be wrong, it reacts by making us feel angry and afraid. The deal is that someone always has to lose in this dynamic. That's why it always leads to interpersonal interactions that foster mistrust, conflict and competition¬ - they're all based on fear.

Transcending the personal
The solution is not to live in a world of polarity, but of perspective; a world that acknowledges differences, not in a world that always demands debate; in a world of "both/and", not just "either/or".

The challenge is how to live in a way that transcends the personal and focuses on commonalities. In the world of the ego, it's all about being separate and independent¬win-lose, me versus you. In the world of commonality, it's about "you and me" and win-win.

Making this change faces us all with important questions. What excuses are we using to rationalize and justify a 'win-lose', 'me vs. you', dynamic that fosters disconnection? Why can't we feel content in being right without the need to make someone else accept being in the wrong? Why do we live from an "I'd rather be right than happy" perspective so much of the time?

Embracing separation

The truth is that, somewhere along the path of our growth, we separated from the interconnected aspects of our being and began to focus instead on becoming separate from one another. In the process, we either created, or were indoctrinated with, sets of beliefs, assumptions, and world views that we thereafter looked upon as constituting the essential "me."

As a result, we live in a world with as many beliefs and opinions as there are people. We live life from an ego-directed place, so it's "all about me."

That's why, to feel secure as "me", our reactions are to compete and put the other down¬so the fear of losing "me" or being threatened can be taken away. That's why our relationships are based on a continual need to be right: being right means that I can be "me" in a world where not being "me" is a threatening proposition.

If you are able to let go of your need to be right, you will able to live in a place that fosters inner peace, well-being, harmony and connectivity: a place from where you can create more conscious, honest and healthier relationships.

So, as you move through your day, will you take the time to ask yourself about your motivations for engaging in all those 'win-lose' conversations? Do you need to 'win' merely for selfish, manipulative or fearful reasons? What might happen if you sometimes let go of that constant need to be right?

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• This is a viewpoint that seems to get lost in the development of employees and managers/supervisors/leadership team members. I would print this and somehow incorporate into HR training and development (if you have not already done so).

  One small point: the article should have been proof-read before it was published. Ouch - it hurts to read some of these sentences!

  Bill, Honolulu